Gratitude

"We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures." - Thornton Wilder

Gratitude is something I did not get a handle on until very recently in my life.  It was something for the longest time I was not able to feel.  It wasn't until I was stripped of everything that I placed meaning on in my life and then slowly started getting those things back that I became grateful for them.  It is something to even have a good handle on today, because when I get so consumed by everything that is going on around me, I often forget what is important and to be grateful that I have it.

I tend to take for granted the friendships and relationships that I have.  Because they are such a constant in my life, I often forget to honor them, and act selfishly and inconsiderately of their feelings and struggles.  It is important for me to remember what type of person I am capable of being - selfish, inconsiderate and dishonest, leading me to not have the relationships I have today.  I have the relationships and friends today because of the way I carry myself in day to day life.  I honor myself, honor others, and act selflessly.

I am really grateful for the people in my life.  Notably my friends and family.  They are always there for me through my ups and downs.  I feel like I can be honest with them and open up to them so that I can properly be helped.  I couldn't imagine a life without people in my life that could help carry me through hardships.

I believe there is a lot I could soak in from life.  Something I can better soak up is the attributes of others around me.  I often see others doing great things and doing things that are helpful for them and help them achieve in life that I lack in my own life.  For example, a trait I admire in my father is his organization, diligence, and overall responsibility he has regarding getting things done like paying bills, doing his laundry, etc.  These are things that I struggle with on my own.  I often keep to myself and try and figure these things out on my own instead of trying to get help and copying what my father does to fix my issues with this.

Haiku 1:

Having my dog is,

a simple joy in my life.

Continual peace.

Haiku 2:

Living on my own,

My first time in solitude,

Peace and silence.

Haiku 3:

Unfortunately,

This world is run by money,

Something I lack.

Haiku 4:

A bed to sleep on,

Much food in my stomach,

Taken care of.

Haiku 5:

Not much to ask for,

Not much to complain about,

I am looked after.

Fears, Assets, Obstacles

I have many fears, assets, and obstacles within myself.  In this post, I will mainly expand upon and discuss my fears in detail, because it is my fears that are my obstacles, and the fears are what gets in the way of ultimate success, freedom and happiness within myself.  Before I start though, I would like to say that I do acknowledge my assets.  I am an honest, mature, selfless, empathetic person, and I play my strengths to help me and help others in day to day life.  With that said, I will discuss my fears.

One fear of mine, that really gets in the way of my success is financial fear.  I am always insecure about my financial well-being.  This dives way deeper than the fact that I am always broke.  Because I do not know what I want to do as far as work after I graduate school, this plays into my financial fears.  If I don't have a occupation, how am I going to be comfortable as a self-supporting adult?  How am I going to provide for a family?

How I work with this fear is simple but not easy.  I stay active in the solution:  I continue to look for work, and I go to school, and eventually I'll figure out what I want to do for work when I grow up.  Also, I stay faithful to the God of my understanding that I will continue to be taken care of like I have been all these years.

Fear, it takes away my cheer,
It sits in the driving seat, insisting it will steer.
It's hard not falling victim to fear,
I have a sense for when it is near.
It pops up everywhere, touches everything,
And all it does is leave you with a nasty sting.
Fear was my slave master for my years,
Making me feel sadness and shed tears.
Faith is the only thing that can conquer fear,
The only thing that will make you clear.
Living by faith will set you free,
From the fear that prohibits you from glee.
Fear lives in your head and preys on you when you're weak,
Fear is the reason you sometimes feel so meek.
So don't live in fear, live in faith,
And then all your dreams, you can freely chase.

Free Write

This has been a pretty good week for me.  I have felt happy and healthy all week.  I have maintained my spiritual well-being and just feel well.  I have been productive, getting things done that have needed to get done since I have moved to Cambridge from Tucson.

In the present moment, I am focusing on school.  It wasn't until recently I realized that school and my education was the key to my future success.  I didn't care about my future success and happiness until very recently in my life.  This has been the main focus of my life.

I also am really working on showing up and being a good person in all of the relationships that I am in. Whether it is with my girlfriend, my best friend, or with my parents, I just want to be the best person in that relationship that I possibly can be.  I believe strongly that all we have are relationships.  Relationships and connecting with others are what keeps me happy and whole.

When I stop, I notice...

When I stop, I notice the clutter around my room.

I notice the unfinished paint job on my bedroom walls.

I notice posters of my past heroes, from Lebron James to Bob Marley.

I see trophies of past achievements.

As I lay in my bed, I notice my dog right next to me,

Waiting loyally by my side until I finish doing what I am doing.

I hear him breathing peacefully,

And at the same time,

I hear the rustling of the leaves outside as cars pass.

I also hear gusts of wind right outside my window.

As I look around,

Old memories come up for me.

Childhood and teenage memories,

For I am in the room I slept in when I was little.

I think back to the many nights of I did the same thing I am doing right now,

Deep, deep thought,

Listening to music,

Laughing with friends.

I am at peace in the present moment,

Something I am grateful for.

Blessing in Disguise

          My life has seemed to be filled with hardships that felt like the worst thing and then wound up being something that made me stronger once I have gotten through it.  I've been through things that felt impossible to get through, but I got through them somehow, and learned things I couldn't have possibly learned had I not been through those experiences.  The most powerful educational experiences I have had in my life have been these types of experiences, and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.  These are what a lot of people call "a blessing in disguise".  They are the most beautiful things, in a distorted, backwards type of way.  The most notable experience that I've had was when I went to treatment for my drug and alcohol abuse for 20 months.

          When I first went to treatment for my drug and alcohol abuse, I faced the largest internal conflict I have ever had to deal with.  I felt so much pain - from the guilt I felt of hurting others, to the anger of my situation.  I hated where I was.  I wanted to be free and go about doing what I was doing.  I was depressed, resentful, sad, confused, and ultimately miserable.  It was the most challenging experience of my life.

           As time went on, my perspective was able to change.  I was able to realize how beneficial the experience was for me.  Not only was I able to get clean and sober, but I was about to learn and find out things about myself that I could have not learned had I not been through this.  I came to the realization that all the pain and hardship that I had been through was ultimately the best thing for me, and something that made my life ever more fruitful and whole.  This is the main experience I have had that has been a blessing in disguise.

A mysterious science,

Been practiced for millennia.

Its traditions and origin are deeply enriched in all culture.

Often mistaken as dealing only with metal,

But it goes far beyond.

It inspires culture,

It inspires self-knowledge.

It inspires our creative minds,

It inspires our inner selves.

It gets easily mistaken,

As something that it is not.

It is something that truly interests me,

Something that I want to be educated more on.